The Journey of a Survivor

My boyfriend has not had a drink in almost a month. Now, he is intent on talking about all the things he done to hurt people—including me. It’s his version of a 4^th and 5^th step of some kind. Last night we were talking…he kept asking me about things he has done to hurt me. I told him lets just let the past be the past—just let it go. There is one night he asked about. He remembers driving home angry, but does not remember what happened that night. He did not understand why I was so angry and hurt. That night he had been drinking and he was intent on having sex. I said no that I was not in the mood. He became somewhat aggressive and at one point held me down on the bed and was trying to take off my clothes. In the past, I just went along with whatever he wanted…This time I kept pushing him away—I  had been working on setting boundaries and role playing saying no—this time I did not give in…eventually he got mad and left.

This is difficult for me because I am a survivor of sexual abuse. There are many times I have been with him when I really did not want to, but, I don’t know, sometimes its hard to say no. When I was a child I was very passive and just let the abuse happen because I did not believe I could do anything to stop it. Now, sometimes, its still hard for me to say no.

Last night we talked about me setting boundaries. We both agreed it was something I needed to do to get healthy—that it is a positive thing. He said that when I started setting boundaries he felt like he was being rejected. I was not rejecting him—I was just setting limits on my body and what I wanted to do with it.  

I am glad he is getting sober and trying to become a better person, but last nights conversation brought up a lot of bad feelings for me. I would prefer to not even think about that night. Today, I have been distracted and bothered by what happened that night. It bothers me that he wants to bring this crap up…it bothers me that he feels “rejected” when I say no to sex.