The Journey of a Survivor

Although I am an accomplished person, I have a steady feeling of unworthiness. I feel like an imposter. That people are going to find out who I really am and then they will laugh and reject me. Everybody will hate me as much as I hate myself. I mentally know that I am a good person and that I deserve everything that I have accomplished but that deep dark part of me will not allow me to feel it. There is this dirty, little kid in side of me that stops me. The insults that were hurled at me were things like I hate you, you embarrass me, you disgust me, you are a whore…it seems as if those words have been imprinted on my soul. No wonder, I was a developing little kid—I was a piece of clay for the world to mold—too bad the adults around me were so mean and hateful.

And yet, through all of my horrendous abuse I have managed to survive. There is a small core of a person that believes I am okay—that I am worth fighting for. A piece of me that wants to love and be loved. Somewhere inside of me is a gentle, considerate, caring soul. I can sometimes feel it for others…I just wish I could be gentle, considerate and caring of myself. I am not sure where this strength comes from. At times I think maybe it is my true personality, but it has just been beat down by the world. Somehow I need to grow this part of myself. I need to accept and love that little child like nobody ever has. And, yet, I am embarrassed of that child—I hate that child—that child disgusts me. What a dilemma.