The Journey of a Survivor

I am frustrated. I am doing everything I am suppose to be doing—therapy, support group, journaling, taking my meds like it is a religion, getting outside of myself and helping others …is there something I am missing? I am trying so hard, but it does not seem to help. I have determined my actions have no impact on my moods. Shit, I might as well quit trying—all I am doing is spinning my wheels—wasting my time and energy. I am wasting your time. I am wasting therapist’s time. You know, it is almost cruel to get a month here and there that feels almost good—it is a reminder of what I am missing in life. I get my hopes up, but then they are immediately shattered. Maybe I should just stop all my meds and just give into the depression—let it take me down. Just give up and stop fighting. I am eventually going to end up there anyway. No matter what I do—its all a big lie—its all just a waste. I gotta question if this is even worth it—a month here and there where life is tolerable—spending most of my time going down or being down. This is just not fucking fair. Why the hell me? What did I do to deserve this? What the hell is wrong with my brain and how come you can’t fix it? Jesus, I wish you had a magic wand and you could make all this go away—make me a normal person. Life is such a battle. I am tired of fighting. I am just plain tired. I am tired of living like this. How much longer? We can raise my meds…until we max them out just like we maxed out the wellbutrin, just like we maxed out the abilify. Then what? Then what are we going to do? And while we are maxing out the meds am I going to be up or down? And at what point are you going to get frustrated and tell me there is nothing more you can do for me? Then what? Then what the fuck am I going to do? Are people chronic like this forever? Is it always going to be like this? I keep replaying your words—when you said there is always something we can do…does that mean I am going to keep cycling like this and we are just going to keep trying new things? Does that mean I am never going to get stable? I know your words meant don’t give up…so I try, I try not to give up, but I don’t know…it gets harder and harder everyday.