Developing a healthy sex life after being abused is a tough thing to do—there are many obstacles to overcome. I was abused from the time I was in the 1st or 2nd grade—at least those are the first memories I have of it. As I grew up I connected sex with shame and pain. I […]
When I was severely depressed, I disassociated all the time. I have almost no memory of the day before I went in the hospital and the first few days of the hospitalization. It’s like those days are gone. My psychiatrist put me in the hospital—I was in his office and the only thing I remember […]
One image haunts me. It happened when I was in the 4th grade. My grandparents were drunk and in a vile mood. My grandmother stripped me naked and started beating me while my grandfather sat and watched. He said thing like “look at those titties.” Then he started twisting them. Not only was it painful, […]
The Dexedrine has eliminated my depression—it is a miracle drug. However, I am having some unwanted side effects. My impulsive behavior like spending is difficult to manage. A few weeks ago I took my car in for repairs and within an hour was signing the papers to buy a new car. I had no plan […]
The preoccupation with hanging myself in the attic or shooting myself with my 12 gauge shotgun is back. Although I have separated myself from it and I completely realize that this is just a result of me going off my abilify. These thoughts do not coincide with what I want or feel. It is strange […]
So, I was sitting at my computer and all the sudden I realized it was 1:30 in the morning and I was looking up images of suicide. That dirty nasty voice was back—it was telling me suicide was okay—it was what I needed to do—it is my destiny. I instantly recognized that dirty bastard that […]
Sometimes the need to be creative overrides the need for sleep. Last night I painted for over 12 hours. The intensity of my concentration was amazing. Now, its 9:30 in the morning and I have not been to bed yet—I am at work until 6 PM, so there is no chance of a nap. Strangely […]
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I have been reading Being and Nothingness by Sartre. In one passage he suggests that its not the misery that motivates us to want to change—it’s the realization that things can be better. I have really been thinking a lot about this…towards the end of my drinking I was so incredibly miserable and yet I […]