The Journey of a Survivor

 Sometimes the need to be creative overrides the need for sleep. Last night I painted for over 12 hours. The intensity of my concentration was amazing. Now, its 9:30 in the morning and I have not been to bed yet—I am at work until 6 PM, so there is no chance of a nap. Strangely enough I really don’t feel too tired, I feel almost energized—sometimes painting will do that to me.  I have a feeling my sleep cycle is a little disturbed because I stopped the wellbutrin cold turkey a little over a week ago. It was making my mind foggy and I could not remember anything. I hope my memory comes back—my mind already feels a little clearer. The depression has been gone for 3 months now. Part of me says it is stupid to go off the wellbutrin now that things are going so well, but I just can’t go on living like that. It felt like my brain was engulfed in a wet wool blanket.   Overall, my life is going extremely well right now. Finally graduating has lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders—I never thought I would be able to survive my masters defense. Matter of fact, I never thought I would make it through undergrad, let alone graduate school. I had every obstacle imaginable put in my way. While pursing both the degrees, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I had serious problems with alcohol and drugs. Not to mention I was woefully unprepared for college in the first place.  My grandmother made it to the 4^th or 6^th grade. My mother, brother and many cousins did not graduate high school. I was the first in the family to go to college. I think my family would have been more supportive, but they just did not understand or know how to be supportive. Many questioned why I was even doing it. 

Probably my biggest hindrance was my lack of confidence and self esteem. Heck, here I was a crack head, trailer trash delinquent trying to rub elbows with the “other” people. Feelings of inadequacies constantly hounded me. I felt like I would never measure up—no matter how well I did, it felt like I would never be as good as everybody else. I swear everybody looked at me and knew I did not belong—that I was not one of them. Sometimes, I thought they were just patronizing me and permitting me to attend classes because they felt sorry for me. I swear people were laughing at me behind my back—snickering and whispering shit about me. I believed what they whispered. I believed that I was a fraud—a dirty little girl that was reaching too high.  For my undergraduate degree I earned cum laude and graduated with research experience, teaching experience and graduate level courses. The world was open to me—I could have gone anywhere for graduate school, but I got scared and got a job instead. I did not think I had what it took to get a graduate degree. Really, I believed I did not deserve the undergraduate degree and at anytime somebody was going to take it away from me—they were going to realize they had made a mistake.    So, here I am with my master’s degree. It took me 4 years because I worked full time while going to school. Also, I was in alcohol rehab twice and the psychiatric hospital once during that time. If nothing else, I can say I never gave up. I struggled and fought for every single credit—none of it was easy for me. Its real hard to concentrate on studies when there is an intrusive voice telling you to hang yourself in the attic. But, here I am. I did it. This is one of the most amazing things I have ever done—one of the biggest accomplishments in my life.  I really did make it. And yet, I still have this nagging feeling that I don’t deserve it.