I am not psychotic because I am firmly in touch with reality, however…
The preoccupation with hanging myself in the attic or shooting myself with my 12 gauge shotgun is back. Although I have separated myself from it and I completely realize that this is just a result of me going off my abilify. These thoughts do not coincide with what I want or feel. It is strange how my thoughts seem to take on a life of their own—its like a person is inside my head telling me these things. It makes me wonder if I truly am a little psychotic. My psychiatrist says I have depression with psychotic features. Hell, I don’t think he even understands how severe and overpowering these thoughts can get. The day I was admitted to the hospital he said I was psychotic—I don’t think he understands that these thoughts follow me around. Well, they mostly subside when I take the abilify. Maybe that’s why they call it an antipsychotic—duh. But, I am still not depressed and things are going well. This little digression of my thoughts is not insufferable and I am in control of the situation. Except for this little issue, my metal health is extremely good. Matter of fact, just because I am having these thoughts does not mean my mental health is poor. As long as I realize they are not real—as long as I don’t believe them—my mental health is still good. Sometimes, being in control of your issues is as important as being depression free or symptom free. Really, even though this voice is here trying to convince me to hurt myself, I am not psychotic because I am firmly in touch with reality.
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July 3rd, 2007 @ 3:08 pm
My fiance was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features on 5/8/07. He was released from the hospital 7 days later and committed suicide at our home on 5/27/07. I don’t understand what it’s like to have these thoughts. He couldn’t stop them and didn’t understand why he was having them. He denied having any more thoughts of suicide. When I took him to the hospital, he told me I had to get rid of the gun and that he’d moved it. I got rid of the gun. I didn’t know he had another gun. I can’t understand why he told me about one and not the other?I didn’t realize psychotic depression means the person is aware that the thoughts aren’t real. I didn’t think he was psychotic any more.
Please, please, please get constant medical care until you no longer have any of the thoughts. We had a wonderful life together before he got sick. He took an antifungal drug - ketoconazole - on 3/4 and 3/11. Its side effects were anxiety/depression, thoughts of suicide, planning to harm yourself, or carrying it out.
Please get help. Don’t put your loved ones through this pain. I’m so sorry for your suffering.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 5:03 pm
Nbilsm, thank you for sharing your story. Please be assured I am under the care of a very good psychiatrist and a wonderful therapist. I am very open about my thoughts and I am doing what it takes to get well. I am not sure I can say anything to alleviate the pain you have gone through with the death of your fiancé. I am sorry you have had to struggle with this. Please take care of yourself as well.