The Journey of a Survivor

The Dexedrine has eliminated my depression—it is a miracle drug. However, I am having some unwanted side effects. My impulsive behavior like spending is difficult to manage. A few weeks ago I took my car in for repairs and within an hour was signing the papers to buy a new car. I had no plan or intention of buying a car. I did not do a budget to see if I could even afford it—and of course I can’t. Now, I am probably going to have to get a second job to make ends meet.  

Also I am battling to take it as prescribed. I find myself wanting to take more of it—like skip a few doses here and there so I can have a day where I get to take a bunch of it. I am slightly obsessed with trying to stockpile it so I never run out. Running out would be the worst thing in the world. I am playing with fire—I am an addict and I know I have to be careful or I could get myself into trouble. 

I feel like I have been handed the magic cure to my depression, but if my psychiatrist knew what I was thinking he would yank it in a heartbeat. That means I have stopped being completely honest with him. I have always been honest with him. Addiction makes a liar out of me. How am I going to work this out? I’ll do anything to keep the depression away, which means I need the Dexedrine, but I realize my addictive nature is getting the better of me. Quite honestly, I don’t know how I am going to handle this…there has got to be a balance. I have to get this under control before it takes control of me.