The Journey of a Survivor

When I was severely depressed, I disassociated all the time. I have almost no memory of the day before I went in the hospital and the first few days of the hospitalization. It’s like those days are gone. My psychiatrist put me in the hospital—I was in his office and the only thing I remember is standing looking at his books. I have a vague memory of saying “my biggest fear is that you will not understand.” I can’t remember anything else about the visit.  

Although I am currently not depressed, I still sometimes dissociate—especially when I drive my car. Then, I generally startle because I don’t know where I am at. For a few moments I am lost because I have driven for a mile or miles without realizing it. Is this safe? What am I like when I dissociate? If I am not aware of what I am doing, how can I continue to drive? While in that state of mind am I able to make decisions? I don’t understand how I can continue to do things and not be aware of them. My body functions and I do things but I have absolutely no recollection of doing them. When I come out of it, I experience severe anxiety—sometimes a panic attack. Hey, its scary to lose part of yourself for awhile. 

Having this makes me feel crazy. Normal people don’t do this. My therapist says its PTSD. When I talk with her about the past or current stressful events I have a difficult time staying in the room. I can feel myself slipping away—things become too overwhelming and I start loosing my connection to what is going on. Its almost like I start reliving the feelings of the past…but then again, I also feel numb and lost. Its like I am not really there. I am not sure where I go. Sometimes, its like I am going to the past and yet most of the time it feels like I am going to la la land. That mystical place of nothingness.