The Journey of a Survivor

Developing a healthy sex life after being abused is a tough thing to do—there are many obstacles to overcome. I was abused from the time I was in the 1^st or 2^nd grade—at least those are the first memories I have of it. As I grew up I connected sex with shame and pain. I had no sense of owning my body—it became a playground for others. Reclaiming my body as my own has been a long battle. It is embarrassing to say that at times, when I was abused, my body did physically react to the stimuli—there was a sense of physical pleasure. Yes, it was morbid—it was nasty dirty abuse that terrified me, but my body did not always know that. My body began to attach physical arousal with shame and pain. Some of my current sexual fantasies have components of shame and pain. It sounds insane that I would fantasize about elements that resemble my abuse, but that is part of my reality. As a child I was unable to stop the abuse—at times I tried, but I soon learned it was useless to fight it.  As I got older, I had zero boundaries when it came to my body—I let anybody do whatever they wanted to me. It disgusts me when I think about how I passively accepted so many men. Anybody who asked got what they wanted because I did not know how to say no—I did not see it as a possibility. As a teen, sex for me was nothing. Although I would physically become somewhat aroused, I experienced no connectedness or emotion. I felt numb anytime somebody touched me. Numbing out created a sense of nothingness—there was no sense of love or special feelings. Sex was just an activity—like drinking a soda or collecting the mail.In my 20s I started intense therapy and worked on the abuse issues. For awhile I completely shut down sexually. Then I slowly began to feel emotions when I had sex. I was fortunate to have several caring women in my life. No, not at the same time—I dated them one at a time. They slowly taught me the joys of my body and the sumptuousness of a sweet kiss.  I was part of a sexual survivors support group where I started to learn not to be ashamed of my body—the sight and smells and everything else that goes with being a woman. A woman’s body is a beautiful thing—including my own body.Now that I am in my 30s, I am happy to say that I have grown into a healthy sexual being. I still occasionally have the fantasies that have components of shame and pain, but for the most part I have accepted them as a piece of who I am as a person—a remnant of the past that I don’t need to fear or be embarrassed about. Although, it does embarrass me a bit to admit it here to you. But, I think it’s normal to be a little bit embarrassed to talk about something that is so intimate and personal. Don’t give up on sex—work through the issues and the shame—embrace your sexual self. Sex is something to be treasured and enjoyed. And yes, sometimes sex is sex and yet sometimes sex is about connecting with another human being in a very special way. It’s also about connecting with your body and emotions in a very special way. My heart goes out to the women who struggle with these issues—those of us who did not ask to be abused and yet have the lingering effects of abuse that steals parts of our lives.