The Journey of a Survivor

As a child I spent much of my time alone. I read or did other things to entertain myself. Feeling like I never fit in with my family or kids from school made me feel distant and I never really bonded with many people—friends or family. The abuse I endured, especially the sexual abuse, made me feel different—unworthy of others time—I felt like nobody wanted to know me. I adapted to the feeling of loneliness and learned to accept it as a way of life. I am not sure if that is what made me an introvert or if I am just naturally introverted.

Now, I need time alone to recharge my batteries, but when does necessary alone time turn into unhealthy isolation? Really, part of me would be content to spend almost all my time alone in my house doing art, reading and such. Building relationships with others and being part of the world are elements of a healthy and well rounded person. I constantly feel like I have to force myself to get out and go shopping, talk with people, participate in the community…but, just going to work everyday wears me out.

My introversion causes problems in my relationships with my friends and significant other. It’s hard for me to stay connected with friends and my boyfriend often feels neglected. People tend to think I am uninterested or don’t care about them. That’s far from true—I do care about my friends and my boyfriend—it just takes so much energy to make it through my normal work week that getting out and socializing is a real stretch for me.

I don’t know what the answer to this is…I don’t know if I am ever going to change. What I do know is that I have to keep pushing my boundaries so I don’t become a complete agoraphobic.