Physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug use…
Physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug use…what caused these intrusive thoughts? They really started hitting me when I was about 11 years old. Although, they were occasionally around when I was a little younger. That was when I started drinking and huffing gas. That was also my first suicide attempt. I have no idea what caused these intrusive thoughts—why me? Why do I have to deal with them? All I really want to be is normal.
The worse part about these thoughts is how alone they make me feel. Nobody but me knows about them. Nobody but me feels them. I am completely and utterly alone when it comes to these thoughts—nobody is ever going to be able to experience them. I don’t feel as if I have been able or ever will be able to make another person truly understand them. Isolated. They make me feel so incredibly isolated from the world.
They come into my mind and I can’t stop them. So far I have been able to keep myself from acting on the big ones—I’ve just done a little cutting and such. Part of me wonders if I will be able to hold them at bay forever.
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July 17th, 2007 @ 5:07 pm
I can sympathize with what you are saying as I have these same thoughts that no one can understand what it is that I am really feeling. It doesn’t seem to matter how I state it, I can’t seem to explain to anyone the sensations and haunting feelings that I have. I do also get suicidal at times thinking that this is the only way to be rid of these dreadful feelings. Please don’t despair; you are not alone out there for there are others like yourself. From what I have read, it sounds just like a lot of the emotions and feelings that I have. Some days are definitely harder to bear than others and you wonder how do I go on, why do I have to feel like this for another day and that goes on in a continuous pattern from one day to the next with no relief. I do feel completely isolated too; no matter what I do, it doesn’t make much of a difference or make my feelings completely go away. It plagues me all of my waking existence and I find that I am in a constant battle to not loose my sanity altogether. I think I lost enough already. I don’t know if I can truly understand what you feel, but when I read what you wrote it just sounds so familiar to the way I feel. I was physically abused and raped at 12 and another attempt at 15 and was an alcoholic, drug addict (cocaine, acid, speed, pot, etc,). I still use pot occasionally as I do find it calms me in a certain way no other drug does, (not that I recommend this) but nothing else since I was in my early twenties. I have a diagnosis of BPD, PTSD, anxiety/panic disorder, I suffer delusions at least I think that’s what it is however it just seems so real what is happening to me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wonder if I have some underlying schizophrenic tendencies and my doctor is going to do some further investigation. I am also very introverted and have had very few friends my entire life just as now. Whatever is wrong I have to somehow learn to live with all of these feelings. You are a Survivor just as I feel I am a Survivor. I think that all that keeps me going is knowing that I will find some relief somewhere; somehow, sometime, but I just haven’t found all the answers yet. We have to keep fighting. Please seek help if you are not already. I know it is not all the answers but it is part of a solution. I do find some calming effects I learned from the doctors like mediation, hypnosis, and prayers. It doesn’t take it away but kind of allows me to somewhat focus away from the most intense of the feelings. I keep praying for answers and strength to get through whatever it is I must face and I will also add you in my prayers. I hope this may help you in some small way.
A Friend,
John (PoetMan) ((((HUGS))))
July 17th, 2007 @ 10:15 pm
Hi John, thanks for taking the time to comment. It sounds like we do have a lot in common. Please know that I am in therapy and such—being well taken care of. The isolation is the hardest part of my battle. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in my struggles…not that I wish anybody to suffer from this. I wish you nothing but the best.
Sincerely, Alive.