The Journey of a Survivor

So, my boyfriend claims I am distant—not engaged in our conversations. He is right. I spend the majority of my time in my head having these imaginary conversations with myself. Matter of fact, all I really want to do in life is carry on these conversations. Anything that interrupts them irritates me. The only times I can focus on something else is when I take Dexedrine. It calms my mind down and lets me focus on whatever I need to get done. I have no emotions. I don’t feel good or bad…just indifferent. In some ways it does not even bother me that my boyfriend is not speaking to me. Oh, yeah, he is not speaking to me because I am “so withdrawn.” I guess I am not emotionally available enough for him. I think the medications I am on numb me out. I can’t tell him what I feel because I don’t know what I feel…I feel a whole lot of nothing. Well, I worry about things—is worry a feeling? My brain goes non-stop, 100 mph. It whirls around all the shit I should have done or should be doing…so, I escape by having these conversations in my head.   

Last night I decided to try to get off my medications. I take Abilfy, Dexedrine, Wellbutrin and Lamictal. When I first got up this morning I took a dose of Dexedrine, but I have not had any of the other medications or any more of the Dexedrine. It is about 3 PM and my head is really starting to hurt. Matter of fact, I think I can feel my heartbeat in every single one of my hair follicles.

I am not really sure what is going to happen…how I am going to manage to do this, but I want off these meds. I am so out of touch with my feelings that I don’t even know who I am anymore. There is no joy in my life. Life is just a series of tasks that must get done so I can go to bed. I just can’t stand to live like this anymore. I can’t stand the nothingness. Oh, my god, my head hurts.