I can’t believe I lived like that.
Thinking of the 11 year old is difficult. I don’t have a picture of her in my mind the way I did the younger kid. I think it is because when I think about her I winch and shut my eyes. It is strange not being able to picture yourself at that age, but it is like I can’t remember or better to say I won’t remember. My initial reaction when trying to bring up her image is an overwhelming sense of shame. I can’t believe I lived like that. For god’s sake, I lived in a crate. Where was I suppose to take a shower? Where was I suppose to wash my clothes? There was a trailer there, but it had no heat, no stove, no refrigerator—the rats were so bad you could not sleep in it. It was safer in the crate. It was safer down by the river. At one point I gave up brushing my hair—it was so matted, I could not get a brush through it. How could the school system let me come to school like that? How can I ever admit I was like that? No respectable person would live like that.
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May 7th, 2008 @ 12:14 am
Hi There, I am new to this site, and this is first comment. So hope I don’t mess up what I would like to say. I have read all of your post and you seem to be quite intelligent, but wondered why you would want to hurt yourself, with being so smart? Sounds like the abuse in your childhood has something to do with the sadness and confusion you feel. Do you think the doctor you’re going to is helping? I have a 24 year old daughter that is now in mental hospital, trying to detox from Xanax, at least that’s what she claims. It difficult being able to get any honesty from her on how she feels. Still think she is trying to talk Dr. out of giving her the diagnosis of being bipolar. She’s very persuasive and manipulative. Have they given you a diagnosis and are you totally up front when you see your Dr.? It sounds like you have a job, but my daughter cannot even work. I guess what I am saying is I hope you look at your positive sides and not the negative side. All of us have hard times and feel inadequate but when I read your blog I hear an upset little girl, still living in past. I think when all of us look at our past we well, most of us have hidden stories or feelings. Sometimes I feel so mad at my mother I look back in my childhood seeing only the bad stuff, and my daughter does the same thing. What boggles my mind is how much my husband and I truly believe we were great, loving parents. We don’t remember the abuse she claims she was part of from us?? Either we have amnesia or my daughter has been once again very persuasive on making us really have to think back to past, but when we
do the only we can dream of is that she is exploiting her thoughts of our discipline. We were not in any way abusive to her as a child. They say as long as she believes in her mind that she was abused we need to validate her feelings. She also drinks and is an alcoholic, and has had 3 DUI’s. It does sound like your parents or mother had some problems with your care, or are you talking about your own child in the blog. You have so much to pat yourself on the back for with being sober, or at least trying to, that’s difficult when you have mental torment from either your past or a current illness. I do not feel you give yourself enough credit. I hope you do not stop any medication because that’s the problem many have with mental disorders, is not wanting to stay on meds then the illness gets worse when you go off meds. I have also heard that this type of illness gets worse without meds. So, please stay on your prescriptions, that’s why you go to the doctor, right? See, I am doing just what my daughter accuses me of and that is telling you what to do. She will not listen to me and only talks when I try just to ask her how she is. I wish she could understand that I love her and just want her to achieve what she’s capable in life. Do you feel like others try to tell you how to live. If so maybe you can clue me in on how someone trying to give you their own views on what you should do affects? I hope and pray you will get peace, because there is nothing worse than a mind that’s troubled. I’ve had problems in past and the only way I could get through it was to know that it will get better because it always does. Hope that gives you some peace.
God Bless-Kat