The Journey of a Survivor

Letter to my psychiatrist:

I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.

There is no stop and no beginning to the anger or the sadness or the fear—it always has been, always is and always will be. I do not feel love or joy—I am more of an empty shell—I have no true essence. The inside core of me feels absolutely nothing—complete numbness. I am made of stone. I am dead. Something killed me…killed me before I ever got to live and this corpse that walks around is doomed to exist in this miserable world forever.

Wait, there is one emotion I know I have—fear. I know I have fear because I fear death. If I did not fear death, I would have killed off this corpse long ago. So, in addition to being a maggot filled carcass, I am a coward. Can it get any better than this?

Why am I being tormented like this? 12 hours ago I was in your office feeling more or less okay about things. What happened to me? Something inside my brain clicked and I am worse than I was 3 weeks ago. Worse because I no longer have the hope of death—I can not be rescued. I am cursed by this life that was forced upon me. I know god does not exist because no god would create a wretched soul like mine. I must be a freak of nature—an evolutionary mishap. Getting my tubes tied was wise—at least “I” will not happen again.

I am sending you this letter instead of calling you because I know exactly what you will say. If I call you, you will say, “Stay on your meds.” You will emphasize the word “on.” I keep saying that over and over in my head. Maybe if I say it enough times, it will finally take hold and this war will stop. I can intellectually stand back and see that taking my meds is good for me—it is the right thing to do. And, yet I have this relentless voice demanding me to immediately stop them and throw them in the trash. It is irrational, but it is also as loud as hell.

I hate my existence.

<a href=”http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&amp;add=http://alive.psychcentral.net”><img src=”http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/btn-fave2.png” alt=”Add to Technorati Favorites” /></a>

<a href=”http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&amp;add=http://alive.psychcentral.net”><img src=”http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png” alt=”Add to Technorati Favorites” /></a>