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she won’t forsake me…I’m loving angels instead

on July 13th, 2013 by alive

published elephants heart

Peter,

Angel song by a disco singer in Europe during the 70s: “Wherever it may take me I know that life won’t break me. When I come to call she won’t forsake me…I’m loving angels instead.”

Angels float they don’t stomp down your hallway or trample your bushes. Angels watch over you, they don’t glare at you through the window or sneak up on you from behind. Angels follow you, they don’t chase you. Do bad angels exist? Or, are my angels just the bad ones?

I think my girlfriend, Kate, (that I visited in South Carolina when I first started seeing you) became an angel. I met her in my online support group. I was a liaison and was in charge of helping new members. She was having a rough night so I talked her into calling me—that was a line I never crossed—I never gave out my phone number but she was different and really in pain. I talked to her until the sun came up because she had a gun and was thinking about killing herself. That was a long night but for some reason I just kept talking and the words came to me without a struggle. I’ve never been able to talk like that—to be understanding—without being selfish and just shutting down.

She was HIV+. She developed AIDS and died. It was sad but I don’t regret reaching out to her because she was a beautiful person. She pushed me away when she started getting really sick. I pushed back trying to stay close to her but she said that she did not want to make saying goodbye any harder than it was already going to be. I assured her I’d be okay and that I was in it for the long haul. Then she blew my mind…she said that it was not me having problems saying goodbye to her—it was her saying goodbye to me. She was ready to make peace and let things go—including me.

I think about her and I have regrets for some of the things I did and many of the things I failed to do…if I could have said or done this or that right maybe she would have given me the honor of staying close to her until the end…but, I understand her decision. If I was dying, I’d do the same thing. I’d want to find some closure and experience the ultimate existential journey without the distraction of others. Really, it was my weakness that wanted to stay close to her—if I really examine my own thoughts I see that it was me that did not want to say goodbye. I was clinging to her when she was ready to be alone and finally find peace. So, she became an angel without me.

I’m not ready to die but part of me is really looking forward to that ultimate existential journey of death. What the hell is the truth? Who is right? Being right is not a matter of taking sides—it’s more like just wanting to know the truth that I’ve read and pondered about for so many years. It’s curiosity more than anything. But, you know, curiosity is also what keeps me alive—I want to know what’s going to happen tomorrow—the next month—the next year. Kate knew when her curiosity turned away from life to death and I respect her wisdom in knowing the right time to do it. I hope I’ll know when the time is right for me.

I don’t believe in an afterlife but I do believe there must be a huge sense of relief when the darkness comes down. It almost makes me giddy to imagine that I finally know the truth—even if it’s just the experience of that one last breath. There has got to be a lifetime in that one last breath. Damn, I never thought about it like that—what if that one last breath just reverberates through time—like the darkness never ends? I imagine the darkness to be peaceful…but…who knows? I guess I just won’t know the truth until it happens. Not today, probably not tomorrow, but I look forward to whenever the time is right. Hmm…if something never ends then it can’t begin in the first place, therefore everything must end or nothing can begin. Damn…I’ve read too much Socrates.

Are we going to become angels?

Take care,

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