Letter to my psychiatrist:
I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.
There is no stop and no beginning to the anger or the sadness or the fear—it always has been, always is and always will be. I do not feel love or joy—I am more of an empty shell—I have no […]
Sometimes, I wonder if I am going crazy because of the nature of my intrusive thoughts. I constantly have an internal voice telling me to kill myself and an active dialogue on how I should do it. I know the voice is mine and I know it is just some sort of internal […]
The past couple weeks have been very difficult for me. I just got home from the hospital this evening. I see my psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow and I am anxious…I don’t know how much the hospital told them. I feel a little embarrassed and ashamed about the things I have done over the past couple […]
Thinking of the 11 year old is difficult. I don’t have a picture of her in my mind the way I did the younger kid. I think it is because when I think about her I winch and shut my eyes. It is strange not being able to picture yourself at that age, but it […]
Mainly I sit around thinking or fantasizing about shooting myself. I feel like a failure—like nothing I have done in this world has made a difference. I just got out of an appointment with my pdoc and he said these are the things we all worry about—whether we matter—have we accomplished anything—have we made a […]
So, my boyfriend claims I am distant—not engaged in our conversations. He is right. I spend the majority of my time in my head having these imaginary conversations with myself. Matter of fact, all I really want to do in life is carry on these conversations. Anything that interrupts them irritates me. The only times […]
At least, at the moment, I am not whacked out delusional. It does seem like every time I fall into a depression, it gets worse. I get a little bit crazier each time. That is a good reason to do everything I can to stay out of the depression. I am doing everything I can […]
Dr. Z., In addition to the meds I have been trying to do everything I can to stop the depression. I have been throwing myself into my volunteer work. Trying to keep myself looking to others instead of dwelling on my problems and the depression. Working hard in therapy and with my journaling. Trying to […]
My blog has been in idle mode for some time…my world has been busy and I have lacked the creative energy it takes to continuously blog. Seems like the blank paged just stared at me and those damn elusive words would not form themselves into a sentence let alone a coherent idea or story. Anyway, […]
My father is nearing the end of his alcoholism. He is only 58 but he is dying. He has 2 teeth left and is basically starving to death. He is severely depressed and is not eating. He drinks from the moment he wakes up until he passes out. He was extremely bloated and slightly overweight […]